Chinese in 3, 2, 1

I have this extended family member, and she is really quite an amazing human being (that I would also occasionally like to strangle). Joking! Sort of. In all seriousness she has a heart of gold and often goes out of her way for family and friends without ever being asked. Most impressive of all is her ability to do a spot on impression of ANYONE; any accent, mannerisms, inflection, you name it- give her 5 minutes to absorb and let the entertainment begin.

 

After repeatedly explaining that her husband’s name is Dain, her Chinese Medicine professor could only manage “Ding?”

 

“Dain”

 

“Ding?”

 

“Daayyn”

 

“Ding mean butt in Chinese.”

 

You bet your sweet ding I have fully embraced this particular pronunciation and take every opportunity to address him as such. Asian accent is required for full experience.

 

Hello, it is I earth to ME

Sometimes it feels like the gray matter between my ears is completely disconnected from the rest of my body, and on those days it would take an act of god congress focused self control to rally me and myself back to a place of symbiosis.

 

Yesterday sucked.

 

Then it occurred to me that the reason it sucked was because I chose to let it suck.

 

So, I’m done. No more sucking.

 

Airport Bathroom Adventures

For the most part I will do whatever I can to suck it up and not use public restrooms. On more than one occasion I’ve entered and immediately exited a restroom based solely on eau de toilette wafting from the stalls. I think most people avoid using public restrooms if they can, but hey when you gotta go you gotta go. Unfortunately it’s one or two people who make it unpleasant for everyone else. These are the women who “forget” or perhaps do not care to dispose of personal items in the trash and instead use the floor. They do not feel it is clean or safe or necessary to sit, but also do not use a toilet seat cover or toilet paper. They choose to hover and in the process pee all over the seat -thank you- this is why no one wants to sit down or if so must use seat covers.

 If women are peeing all over the toilet seats imagine what’s lurking on the floor. It’s never dry, and sometimes you can’t tell exactly what the wet substance is or how long its been since someone mopped the floor. Airport bathrooms especially are a bit of an obstacle when you consider the carry on luggage that needs to be stowed while using the ladies’ room. If there’s a hook on the back of the door great! If not there are a few anxious moments where a dry spot is searched out. If I cant find a hook or a dry spot I will use a different stall.

 This past airport trip I drank too much coffee and my bladder was paying the price. I managed to sidestep encounters of the in-flight knee-bumping ass sucking kind, but as soon as the plane reached the gate I made a beeline for the toilets. As luck would have it there was a ladies room very close with:

 No line

No overwhelming smell

Hook on the back of the door

No dribble on the seat

Toilet Paper

Toilet Seat Cover

Mostly dry floor.

 Check, check, and check-  and we’re all clear for landing here. Just as I was thinking ‘ Ah, I don’t think I could have held it another minute’ someone entered a stall to the right of mine. It is immediately apparent that this woman’s checklist is not at all like mine. I would even venture so far as to say she did not appear to have one. She plunks down heavily (and loudly) as her oversized fur coat lands in a heap on the floor between our stalls.

 Fur Coat! On the floor of a public restroom! Surely this woman must know that she would soon be wearing any number of Foreign Bodily Fluids. Who would hug her when they picked her up? What unsuspecting person/s would put their head on her shoulder happy to be reunited, completely unaware of the cesspool only inches from their face? I was already starting to itch and then, I heard “hello?”. I only had a split second to think about whether she was speaking to me and consider answering before she continued talking on her cell phone while tinkling.

 Since my notebook was hanging neatly in my purse on the hook I was unable to record the exact conversation, but allow me to paraphrase:

 Woman with cesspool of FBF on her coat:  “Yes, I just got off the plane”

 Unsuspecting victim soon to be exposed to cesspool of FBF: “Super bring your smarmy little self on down. I cannot wait to catch the plague!”

 Woman: “Good . . . Yes, I’m in a bit of a rush. I’ll see you at baggage claim. Shouldn’t be too long. I’m heading right over now.”

 Unsuspecting Victim: “By the way, love the background music, what is that?”

 Woman:  ” Oh I’m just using the ladies room, had to make a quick stop. I’ll be right there.”

 Unsuspecting Victim: * chuckle *

 Woman: “Alright see you soon”

 This woman made it clear she was in a rush and wanted to touch base and let whomever know she had made it in and would soon be down. But, why right then, why mid tinkle? The gate we were in required a 5-minute walk and a 3-minute shuttle ride to baggage claim. She could easily have called at any point on the way there. Using the restroom is not top secret, we all do it, it’s just in this case I don’t think it was necessary, (unless she was calling HAZMAT to request disposal of her coat).

 I placed my own call on the way to baggage claim while reflecting on my choice not to eat that bean burrito the night before and amusing myself with different scenarios if I had.

 So I’m just curious; what’s your public restroom checklist and what are your thoughts on cell phones in the bathroom?

Bass at 3 am? Honey, the fish are at it again

Who knew the slippery suckers liked to slather on the Vicks’ and break out the glow sticks for an evening of homestyle beat boxing a la group love fest?

 

from www.cbsnews.com posted with vodpod

 

. . . and all this time, I thought fish were boring

In the future I already took this class and everybody passed so congratulations

Thank you M for sharing this laugh. I hope you guys enjoy it also!

from www.nbc.com posted with vodpod

I think you’ll find that we’ve all encountered “Penelope”. Perhaps the next time you encounter him or her you’ll think of this SNL skit and laugh. You might even find yourself saying “I’m best friends with all Muppets, including Scooterrr. I was invited to all their weddings, soo. I have a condo on Jupiterrr, it’s my summer homme. So I probably know the area better”

Feel free to replay, it’s like watching Monty Python, new jokes every time!

Bird is the Word

 Andrew Bird has been around for some time, but it wasn’t until a recent visit with good ole Uncle Johnny that I had the opportunity to listen to Bird’s latest album Armchair Apocrypha in full.

Bird has been playing the violin from a very young age, but he also plays the guitar, mandolin, and glockenspiel, and he is freakishly talented at whistling.

From powerful solo drum kicks to texturized layers of silky smooth strings. Bird fuses melodic finger plucking with his signature whistling; which can only be described as haunting and ethereal. The music is eerie but smart, and very well produced. Perfect for an evening spent sipping martinis with friends, driving around town, or just quiet time with your honey. The lyrics are thought provoking if not a bit strange at times, but this is all part of the charm. Vocals show a good amount of precision and control but also a vulnerability that makes for an entirely authentic experience.

Take a listen to Fiery Crash, Imitosis, and Spare-Ohs from his jukebox.

Here is a live performance of Imitosis:

Time to fling open the windows and hang up the wind chimes!

I woke up this morning and the first thing I noticed was a bright blue sky and a crisp cool breeze. It was like the perfect present. The last couple of days have been grey and cloudy, just generally a drag. As a native of Florida this is something I’m still struggling to get used to 2 years after the move to North Carolina. In Florida there may be 2 or 3 times per year that it’s cloudy for a full day or longer. If it rains it’s done in 15 minutes and then out comes the sun and endless blue sky. I was spoiled and I had no clue. Perhaps I’m exhibiting a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder (coincidence that the acronym is SAD?) maybe?

Living in Florida wasn’t all oranges and sunshine though. There are plenty of things I don’t miss; one of those being the need to take a shower after being outdoors for longer than 5 seconds. Even at 10 o’ clock at night the air clings like a heavy wet shroud. I don’t mind sweating when I’m working outdoors or actively doing something, but there is something fundamentally disturbing about walking from your car to your house and beading up.

 

I drive by this nearly every day. Today I could not resist taking a walk and enjoying the beautiful weather and the fresh white blooms. Springtime here we come!

Misadventures of the drinkdrankdrunk

 Our friend and former college roommate came up from FL this past Thursday for a visit. We had a great time driving around site seeing and looking at neighborhoods. We tried a few new restaurants and stopped in at an Irish Pub for an early St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Saturday evening we had some friends over, also from Florida and recently transplanted here.  Headaches and hangovers abound Sunday morning.

I’d like to share a few revelations from this past weekend:

1) Drinking a glass of water before plowing face first into a pile of half removed clothing to slumber like the living dead is advised . . . required, even. Water is essential in combating the morning spinnies.

2) Sleeping on aforementioned heap of clothing is also ill advised. It causes any number of fashionable sleep lines on the cheek, neck, and arms which can and will stick around for several hours after waking. Also, sleeping with your neck at a 90 degree angle is painful. Do you like your neck? Me too! Be nice to it or pay the price.

3) Calling absent friends at 4 in the morning to reminisce (or to guilt them for not being there) is NOT cool. It may seem like a good idea, but if they answer and you have not died or won the lottery you will be disowned. No, it does not matter that they live in California and its “only 1 am there”- drunk calling is drunk calling. You WILL say something stupid, inconsiderate, obtuse, stupid or all of the above. You will NOT say anything funny, cool, or welcomed. Don’t do it.

4) Several beers = ok.

Several beers + moonshine = your ass is grass.

J likes music, but he chooses to enjoy from the comfort of an overstuffed armchair. He is what I like to call a passive enthusiast; he does not sing nor does he dance. So when he began doing both simultaneously in front of people, you know, the ones that walk and talk and have MEMORIES where they recall things like that time J waltzed with the dog while singing “You spin me right rown baby, ri rooown like a record baby, ri rown brown brown”. Well, you see, I knew we were in for it then.

5) After watching your spouse perform this amazing display of careless abandon it is not appropriate to then feel emboldened and attempt to duplicate this in ANY way.

6) Off Limits: Discussing matters of the heart while under the influence. Once you have reached the point where speech slows to a mash up of misplaced verbs and slurry syllables attempting to discuss problems or offer advice becomes futile. No one will get it, and if they do, you probably meant something else anyway.

7) Finally, last but certainly not least. We’re not 20 anymore. Staying up until it’s nearly dawn can no longer be accomplished without penalty. Sad, but all too true.

Here’s to hoping everyone has a safe and happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Dear AP, This note will self destruct in T minus 5

 Is it me, or is there an abundance of YOU WILL DIE TOMORROW headlines?

Let me get this straight; don’t drink the water it contains prescription drugs like growth hormone and estrogen. Don’t eat the food it has poisonous pesticides, and if you get sick your ass goes in lock down as we are certainly headed for a flu pandemic. Should we all dig fall out shelters and hibernate for half a century?

I’m not trying to make light of these things. After all it is important that we not take our resources (i.e. this planet and all of the life on it) for granted or use and abuse them. Truly I don’t want to eat pesticides on my veggies or cloned meat for dinner. I’m not keen on swallowing someone else’s heart medicine that has been, eehhm recycled whenever I want a glass of good old fashioned water. I would prefer keeping a healthy circulation the natural way. And by natural I mean a nice glass of red with dinner. Finally for the love of peaches I do NOT want to go around wearing a face mask and taping my door up because someone 2 miles away came down with the flu. None of those things are enticing to me, or anyone I should think.

I would really like to hear some solutions. I’m seeing all these alarmist stories, but where are the answers? Don’t get me all worked up then leave me high and dry; I had high school boyfriends who could rival you in that department. If these things truly warrant closer examination, if you’re publishing them because you feel they are worthy of the attention, then it would be nice dearest AP if you also researched some solutions. In the least consult someone who is trained/educated in the particular topic of gloom and doom. We’re living on this planet so it’s our shared responsibility to take care of it. I’m down if you are.

Sincerely,

Confused

3^rd rock under floorboard, USA

Thick as Thieves

 The longer I am friends with W the more I realize the importance of having her in my life. We’re polar opposites she and I. When we met back in college we were both fish out of water; freshmen in college wide eyed and raring to go. I remember walking into one of the lecture classes we shared to find her sitting in the front row eating a pudding cup with her finger. She had forgotten a spoon, she was hungry, what else was there to do? I would have sat the entire lecture with my stomach grumbling and silently cursing myself. That’s what I loved about her, she just didn’t seem to care what others thought, she did what needed to be done.

W could be spotted wearing two different socks at any given time- one with separate sleeves for each toe in rainbow colors and the other blue with white polka dots. The floor of her dorm room was covered with clothing and her car contained at least 5 pairs of shoes, a couple of outfits, and half a dozen bottles of hand lotion at all times. My dorm room was neat and tidy. Clothing went in the drawer or on a hanger where it belonged (thankyouverymuch) and I opted for flip flops over socks and shoes. I enjoyed my freshman year single whereas W was in a relationship. Somewhere along the line one of us gave him the nickname Bobo head (yes, very mature) he didn’t last long.

Any disorganization W had on her bedroom floor didn’t translate to her communication style. She was completely unphased about speaking in large groups and spoke her mind easily. I hated being in front of groups and would agonize over the delivery. On the other hand I could clearly and precisely tell her that the color she was holding up was definitely a tomato red and NOT in fact the tangerine color she was trying to match. We had completely different taste in music, movies, books, style of dress, guys, everything but I suppose the best way to describe us would be to say that we balanced each other out.

It’s been 11 years since I first met W. She was my Maid of Honor almost 5 years ago (AKA hero for the 8 million last minute tasks she handled without hesitation all while remaining cool as a cucumber). Two years ago when my husband and I decided to move out of state and away from everyone she sent me funny little cards and notes to let me know she was still there. She even called specifically to check on me when I was agonizing over shades of blue paint for the sun room. This must have been mind numbingly boring for her as I listed off color after color, but she did it.

These past 2 years W and I have been through some significant changes. She went through a painful break up that opened her eyes to what she wanted for herself and from someone else in the future. I went through a disorienting time where I just felt utterly lost. Everyone I loved and cared about was back in Florida. My husband and I had each other of course, but were still working on a network of friends in NC. On top of that I quit my J.O.B.  the very same one I had been holding for almost 5 years. I began and shortly thereafter ended a stint in retail -NEVER again- ever. Life was strange for W and I.

It took some time and a little growing up on my part to see that we all go through rough times. We all get older, we change, paths take us in different directions, but that doesn’t mean we love each other less or that we should stop being friends just because it’s different or hard. I’m not exactly the same person I was when I was 19 or even 25 and neither is W. She knows my shit and I know hers. Despite differences and the distance it’s nice to have someone in your corner, and to be in someone else’s.  This is my proverbial toast to W and the handful of close friends made over the years.

Love you!